A Private Unofficial, "study" of ANR

Understanding ANR

by Mayfieldflowerrn

This was a very difficult post for me to write, not because I have difficulty speaking of these parallel desires which I've come to recognize over months of discussion, but because I wanted very much to get the implications right, to come to all of you with good information, well-read and fully aware of the dynamics which combine to create the desire for ANR as we know it. I hope, in this humble attempt, that I've allowed the more hidden, secretive facets of ANR to be brought more completely into the open, and perhaps initiated a discussion or two which will allow us all to become more authentic, true to ourselves and to these unique, beautiful, soul-filling desires which combine to create a very precious and sacred intimacy.

(First, a disclaimer. In my writing here, unless specified otherwise, all references to an adult nursing relationship are intended to include only those monogamous, heterosexual, intimate relationships between two adults which are centered upon a man regularly suckling his woman partner, either in an extended dry-nursing scenario or by fully sharing her milk. While I realize there are other types of adult nursing relationships, I've never discussed them at length nor been drawn to them personally, thus I cannot speak with relevance as to the ways intimacy may or may not be expressed between those partners.)

As the months have passed since I created this blog dedicated to ANR, I've been intrigued by the many, many correspondences and discussions which have begun here, both with men and with women, about the reasons and ways we are drawn to this lifestyle, and how the desire first manifested itself within us. Some people are able to name the specific ways in which ANR draws them, while others are not, but regardless of that, I have found there to be a number of separate and very definite characteristics of nursing couples which seem to universally coexist alongside their need to share a breast-centric relationship.

I sometimes refer to my own longing to share my breasts as exactly that, a longing, a desire. The truth, however, is that it's not so much a simple desire as it is an enduring physical need for me, a need nearly as essential to my being as is breathing or nourishment. To take away my ability to draw my man close to my breasts and nurse him there would be akin to stripping away the very essence of my femininity, and I would die slowly inside, no longer feeling that lovemaking or intimacy held any authenticity for me.

During my marriage, my ex-husband refused to share my breasts. He likewise was incapable of desiring me as a woman after I became pregnant with our son and, when I left, I vowed that I would never again settle for less than a loving, complete relationship which wholly fulfilled me, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, and physically, and wherein the commitment we both made to consecrate the act of nursing together served to anchor and define our lovemaking. Yes, there are many other ways to share intimacy, and I embrace nearly all of them, but the truth remains that the essence of my sexuality, and certainly the origins of intimacy, both foreplay and lovemaking, all begin and end at my breasts.

So what are these parallel desires which, from my conversations, seem to universally exist to one degree or another within the majority of individuals who innately are drawn to share an adult nursing relationship?

I was not at all surprised to discover that the most common theme woven into their desire is a strong, perhaps undeniable, attraction to pregnancy. For her, there may have been an incredibly sexual and sensual undercurrent to pregnancy, and she perhaps discovered newfound joy and satisfaction in her body during those months. Desire was heightened, especially in the second and third trimesters, and she reached orgasm more easily and more frequently. As for him, he may have always recognized in himself an innate gravitation to the pregnant female form, and in his past may even have collected pregnancy erotica in various forms, be that literature or photographs or even mainstream pornography. Now, in a relationship with the flesh and blood woman who carries his child, there exists for him an almost primal desire to explore her pregnant body, a seeming obsession with her changing, growing curves and ripe, full breasts and the round sphere of her belly. Watching her move and seeing her pregnant silhouette leaves him breathless, and longing, yet he soon discovers there to be an equal new tenderness in his desire and an instinctive need to protect both her and the child within.

In my work, I notice a calm centeredness about these couples, for not only do they experience pregnancy together as a bonding, intimate, freely sexual time of exploration, but the intimacy seems to extend into the weeks after their child is born, where it lingers and flourishes. He is tenderly attentive, willing not only to spend time at her breast helping to bring in her milk or relieve any early experiences of engorgement, but also to hold her close and cherish her while she quietly breastfeeds their child. From this most pure act of loving, ANR evolves spontaneously, and this foundation, the innate attraction to pregnancy, has universally been present in the large majority of my conversations about ANR, as well.

The next two themes, as difficult as they may be to approach, seem also to be heavily represented in discussions about ANR. I've thought about the why of this at length, and ultimately I feel that the anonymity offered in this space has allowed people to open up to me in conversation where otherwise they may have not, to confess secrets and attractions and desires without the risk of personal rejection or judgment.

First, among men who are drawn to nursing relationships, there seems to be a correlation, not as heavily represented as the attraction to pregnancy yet a majority just the same, between the desire to engage in the act of nursing with a lover and anal sexual intimacy in some form or another. No, I don't mean heavy bondage or kink or some fringe means of sadomasochistic experimentation. I refer instead to a healthy, nurturing sexuality between lovers, intimacy which mirrors a nursing relationship in the elements of trust and vulnerability.

For one man, it was an inexplicable desire to be spanked, to be turned over his lover's knee and paddled, then drawn tenderly to her breast and comforted afterward. For others, the attraction is in actual penetration, of him by her, in a way which allows him to explore his vulnerable side, to experience the sensation of being filled and open and to submit to her direction, her sexual whims as it were, and to relinquish control. Whereas in mainstream relationships, the risk of confessing to this desire for anal intimacy would perhaps be received with scorn and ultimately might provoke a discussion which questioned the very core of a man's inherent sexuality, in the ANR world it belongs more in an organic place of tenderness, of trust and vulnerability, not unlike his admitting that first longing to be gently nursed and comforted at her breast.

So, over time, as more and more of my discussions included hints of desire for this type of anal intimacy, and it became evident that the same type of male personality who longed for ANR also appeared to hold an unspoken desire to explore anal sexual stimulation for himself in one form or another, I became curious about the basis of it and began wandering, looking first to my own textbooks in lactation and psychology, and finally perusing the broad world of cyberspace. After hours of reading, I ultimately focused on Freud, and his psychosocial stages of child development.

From birth to about eighteen months of age, infants exist in Freud's "oral" stage, where suckling and oral stimulation function as the primary pleasure mechanism. This is followed for another eighteen to twenty-four months by Freud's "anal" stage, where the young child first becomes aware of his genitals, and then toilet training is stressed heavily, often by the mother who loves and nurtures the child and to whom he is emotionally bonded. One cannot help but wonder if those men who are drawn to ANR and to parallel anal intimacy experienced a loss of some sort during these crucial overlapping developmental stages, perhaps an event as simple as forced weaning or a change in the child's primary caregiver. From this loss, his longing to return to a safe place became magnified, and the missing of the oral comforts which he had known since birth and the desire to return to the warmth of the breast and to be suckled somehow triggered an equal need to test the boundaries of Freud's anal stage. In this way, the desire for anal intimacy parallel to an adult nursing relationship is not so much regressive, but rather a need to return to that original safe maternal home and be cared for there, to be vulnerable and exposed but likewise reassured, and thus made safe.

The second difficult theme centers solely upon terminology in the ANR world, and, truth be told, this has been the most difficult of the parallel desires to write about. For a young child, the terms "Mama" and "Daddy" come to represent very specific securities. Mama is the nurturer, the comforter, the holder of all things soft and reassuring and safe. Daddy is the protector and sometimes the punisher, an external and distant yet approving (or disapproving) presence. In child psychology, it is well-documented that a child's first sexual response centers upon these familiar figures, and even in society at large we recognize that, on a subconscious level, men commit to wives who remind them of their mothers, and women marry men like their fathers. The difference in an ANR relationship is that these roles carry forward well into adult sexuality, where men ache to be drawn to "Mama's" breast and comforted and where women embrace that nurturing role, and where "Daddy," the adult man to whom they now are married and in whom they likely witness many, many traits inherent to their own fathers, protects them and keeps them safe, thus it is he they wish to please.

I have yet to have a discussion in the ANR world in which this specific topic wasn't preceded by a disclaimer, that he doesn't really desire his mother, that she never would imagine having sex with her father. In my very open mind, the disclaimer is unnecessary, for it is clear to me that it's the trait wherein the attraction lies and not the individual. For him, the longing for a nursing relationship centers upon the breasts, upon receiving from his wife the love and nurturing and comfort that men cannot ask for outright in our macho-centric society, and to receive that love in a place where he is momentarily able to set aside society's masculine conditions of control and power, dominance and responsibility. For her, psychology suggests that the desire is a bit deeper, that as a small child she couldn't understand why Daddy hugged and kissed Mama with a different, more expressive intimacy than he hugged and kissed her. She longed for that same special, unique love, "Daddy's" love, yet in a very innocent way, the only way her still-forming sexual psyche could receive it. Yes, issues like incest, rape or violence change the dynamic of this, but those don't belong in this discussion, for the desire for nurturing and safety within a nursing relationship originates in a much purer, organic, holistic place, a place of comfort and warmth and love and being protected, and it follows that adults in a nursing relationship could easily intertwine these maternal and paternal roles into their shared sexual intimacy.

This was a very difficult post for me to write, not because I have difficulty speaking of these parallel desires which I've come to recognize over months of discussion, but because I wanted very much to get the implications right, to come to all of you with good information, well-read and fully aware of the dynamics which combine to create the desire for ANR as we know it. I hope, in this humble attempt, that I've allowed the more hidden, secretive facets of ANR to be brought more completely into the open, and perhaps initiated a discussion or two which will allow us all to become more authentic, true to ourselves and to these unique, beautiful, soul-filling desires which combine to create a very precious and sacred intimacy.